Book Eleven · A Seussian Political Fable
Trumpy-Wumpy's Cabinet
of Peculiarities
Or: Loyalty Over Competence — A Field Guide
"The best people. The absolute best."
— Trumpy-Wumpy. Research has revealed a differing view.
Part One
The One Qualification
That Mattered Most
Pete Hegs-Seth, the Secretary of War, in his natural environment
Pete Hegs-Seth
Secretary of Defense ("Secretary of War")
STILL IN POST · AS OF MAY 2026
Now once there was a man who did the weather on TV —
Fox News weekends, mostly. Pete Hegs-Seth, that's he.
He talked about the military. He wore some camouflage.
He yelled about the woke. He was quite the mirage.
And so Trumpy-Wumpy said: "That man shall run my wars!"
The Pentagon's career generals looked at their closed doors.
The nomination required a tiebreaking vote from JD Vancy —
Fifty-one to fifty. Quite the squeaker, quite the fancy.
The reasons for the closeness? A sworn affidavit filed
By his own family: alcohol abuse most wild,
Volatile behavior, threatening his second spouse —
Details the FBI knew but kept quite out of the house.
A sexual assault allegation — settled for fifty thousand.
Ten current and former Fox colleagues, not astounded,
Said his drinking at the network caused them concern.
Hegs-Seth said: "Never had a problem." The learning curve.
Pete Hegseth, a Fox News weekend host with no senior military or government experience, was confirmed as Secretary of Defense 51-50, with VP Vance casting the tiebreaking vote — the first time since 1989 a defense secretary required such a vote. A sworn affidavit from a family member alleged alcohol abuse and threatening behavior toward his second wife. He paid $50,000 to settle a 2017 sexual assault claim (he denies wrongdoing). Ten Fox colleagues told NBC they were concerned about his drinking. He is the first to rename the Pentagon the "Department of War." Only 29% of Americans think he should remain in office.
Part Two
The Brain-Wormed
Health Secretary
RFK Juniorski, operating the nation's health infrastructure
RFK Juniorski
Secretary of Health and Human Services
STILL IN POST · AS OF MAY 2026
Now Robert Kennedy Junior had beliefs most sincere
About vaccines — they caused autism — hear, hear!
And fluoride was poison. And raw milk was grand.
And the brain worm that ate part of his brain — firsthand —
Was just a thing that happens. Nothing too alarming.
He ran the nation's health department. Most charming.
He called the autism epidemic an "autism holocaust" —
Then said he didn't mean it. The meaning: largely lost.
He fired the scientists who tracked infectious disease.
He eliminated the NIH vaccine programs with ease.
He appointed anti-vaccine advisors to the board
That advises the government on vaccines. The sword
Of measles spread across the country — outbreaks wide —
While RFK Juniorski downplayed it. He lied —
Or he didn't know. Both are bad for the head
Of the department that is supposed to keep us from dead.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed in court documents that a parasitic brain worm had eaten part of his brain. He called the autism epidemic an "autism holocaust." He fired senior NIH, CDC, and FDA officials. He eliminated research programs on vaccines and infectious disease. He falsely claimed acetaminophen causes autism. He appointed prominent anti-vaccine advocates to his advisory board. Measles outbreaks spread across the US during his tenure, which he downplayed. He backed removal of fluoride from municipal water. Only 33% of Americans believe he should remain in office.
Part Three
The Intelligence
Appointments
The nation's intelligence community, under new philosophical management
Tulsi Gabb-Gard
Director of National Intelligence
STILL IN POST · POSSIBLE REPLACEMENT RUMORED
Tulsi Gabb-Gard had been a Democrat most fine,
Until she wasn't — then she crossed the party line.
She'd said the US caused the war in Ukraine outright.
She'd met with Assad of Syria. In private. At night.
She'd been sympathetic to Russia throughout the years.
She now ran the nation's intelligence. Career
Intelligence officers described it as "not prepared,"
"Lacking depth and understanding," senators despaired.
Kash Pat-Tel
Director of the FBI
STILL IN POST · AS OF MAY 2026
Kash Pat-Tel had written a book of his enemies.
He'd promised to use the FBI — with remedies —
Against all those on his list. He now ran the bureau.
His qualification: congressional staff. His debut
At the FBI included handing out custom bourbon bottles
With his face on the label — to throttle
Any questions of propriety. He demanded polygraphs.
Career FBI agents quit. SNL wrote the graphs.
Tulsi Gabbard — former Democratic congresswoman who blamed the US for causing the war in Ukraine and privately met with Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad — became Director of National Intelligence. Sen. Slotkin said she lacked "competence, understanding, depth" in pre-confirmation meetings. Reports surfaced Trump was privately asking advisers about replacing her. Kash Patel, a congressional staffer who authored a book naming political enemies, became FBI director. He distributed custom FBI-branded bourbon bottles with his name on them. He demanded polygraphs of FBI staff. Career agents resigned. SNL has repeatedly mocked both figures.
Part Four
The Converts
Men who once said things they now fervently deny having said
Marco Ru-Bio
Secretary of State
STILL IN POST · AS OF MAY 2026
Marco Ru-Bio once called Trumpy-Wumpy a con man —
A fraud, a dangerous figure — then came the plan:
He would carry Trumpy's briefcase around the world entire,
Deferring on TikTok (he'd been fierce), Ukraine (for hire).
He had been a fierce Ukraine defender — now echoes Moscow.
He had been fiercely anti-TikTok — now says: we'll allow.
The flip-flop collection in his office fills a room.
The Secretary of State. The old Marco: just gloom.
Scott Bess-Ent
Secretary of the Treasury
STILL IN POST · THREATENED WITH FIRING OVER FED
Scott Bess-Ent once worked for George Soros — hedge funds!
He warned against tariff inflation, those background sounds.
Now he defends Liberation Day with a straight face
And Trumpy jokes he'll fire him at a Saudi investment place.
Marco Rubio called Trump "a con man" and "the most vulgar person ever to aspire to the presidency" during the 2016 primary, then became one of his most loyal Cabinet members. He reversed longstanding positions on TikTok, Ukraine aid, and Russia policy. Scott Bessent, a former hedge fund manager who worked for George Soros and warned that tariffs would be inflationary, became Treasury Secretary and now defends the very tariff policies he once criticized. Trump publicly joked at the US-Saudi Investment Forum that he'd "fire his ass" if Bessent kept supporting Fed independence.
Part Five
Three Women
in Eight Weeks
The empty chairs, with their pink slips still attached
Kris-Ti No-Em
Secretary of Homeland Security
FIRED — MARCH 2026
No-Em had killed her family's dog in a book she wrote —
A fourteen-month-old puppy, shot. She took proud note.
She posed for plastic surgery photos mid-duty most grand.
Then two citizens died at ICE's hand.
She was the first Cabinet member pushed out in term two.
Bon-Bondi
Attorney General
FIRED — APRIL 2026
Bon-Bondi weaponized the DOJ against the foes —
But not quite enough. The Epstein files? Still closed.
The Comey cases crumbled. The seashell charge came late.
Trumpy fired her for insufficient vindictive rate.
Chavez-De-Remer
Secretary of Labor
RESIGNED — APRIL 2026 (affair + drinking on job)
Chavez-De-Remer resigned amid allegations most clear:
An affair with a subordinate. Drinking on the job, we hear.
Three women. Eight weeks. All gone. Without fail.
NPR noted: all three women. Trump said: without detail.
Kristi Noem was fired in March 2026 — the first Cabinet member ousted in Trump's second term — after two US citizens died during ICE operations in Minneapolis, drawing bipartisan condemnation. She had previously written about killing her family dog. Pam Bondi was fired in April 2026 for failing to swiftly prosecute Trump's political enemies and mishandling the Epstein files. Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer resigned April 20, 2026, after allegations of having an affair with a subordinate and drinking alcohol on the job. NPR noted all three departing Cabinet members were women.
Part Six
The Most Powerful
Man You've Never Heard Of
Russell Vought, at the nerve center of Bumbloo-Wee
Russ-Vought
Director of the Office of Management and Budget
STILL IN POST · THE MOST POWERFUL UNELECTED OFFICIAL
You may not know Russ-Vought. That is by design.
He runs the Office of Management — that's fine —
But fine is an understatement: every dollar and cent
Of the federal government flows through his tent.
He wrote the Project 2025 chapters most grand.
He called the OMB the "nerve center" — firsthand —
"Through which a president can exert their influence
Across the entire federal government." The consequence:
Every department bends to his policy pen.
Every budget, every program — he decides again
What the government does. He was elected by no one.
He answers to one man. The Project 2025 is done
Through Russ-Vought's quiet, powerful, spider-web office.
He is the fulcrum. He is the key. He is the boss.
Russell Vought is one of Project 2025's principal authors. As OMB Director, he controls every federal agency's budget and policy implementation. He called the OMB "the nerve center through which a president can exert their influence across the entire federal government." He was never elected to any office. He oversees DOGE's cuts, agency restructuring, and Schedule F implementation. He is considered by many Washington veterans to be the most consequential official in the second Trump administration — and the most unknown to the general public.
Part Seven
Signalgate and
the Journalist in the Chat
The most consequential wrong number in national security history
Mike Waltz-y
National Security Advisor → UN Ambassador
FIRED AS NSA · THEN IMMEDIATELY PROMOTED TO UN
Mike Waltz-y set up a Signal group most discrete
For his Cabinet colleagues — senior and elite —
To discuss the classified Houthi strike in Yemen's land.
Then added Jeffrey Gold-Berg of The Atlantic. Unplanned.
The Atlantic's editor-in-chief read with great surprise
The strike timing, the targets, the military exercise
Details sent by Hegs-Seth in capital letters most fine:
GREAT WARFIGHTER INFO! A classified Valentine.
Waltz-y was fired as National Security Advisor.
Then immediately appointed UN Ambassador.
In Trumpy-Wumpy's world, fired means you get a new job.
A consolation prize. A lateral. A friendly mob
Pat on the back. The nation's intelligence? Still at risk.
But Waltz-y got New York. So that's brisk.
In March 2025, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz accidentally added Atlantic editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg to a Signal chat where top officials — including Hegseth, Vance, Rubio, Gabbard, and Ratcliffe — discussed classified details of a planned military strike on the Houthis in Yemen. Hegseth texted the exact strike timing, targets, and weapons to be used. Goldberg was in the chat for two hours before anyone noticed. Waltz was fired as NSA but immediately nominated as UN Ambassador, confirmed by the Senate 47-43 in September 2025.
Part Eight
The Rest of
the Peculiarities
The supporting cast of Bumbloo-Wee's Cabinet Room
Lon-Da Mc-Mahon ran the WWE for years —
The wrestling empire, fake fights, crocodile tears —
Now runs the Education Department she wants to end.
Her qualification: she lost two Senate races. Extend.
Howard Lut-Nick the Wall Street billionaire most fine
Runs Commerce between his financial conflicts divine.
He negotiated trade deals while disclosing interests:
His firm Cantor Fitzgerald throughout — investors' requests.
Doug Burg-Um the oil-state governor runs Interior —
Drill everywhere. Open the lands. The exterior
Of protected parks and federal lands: now available.
He is — Republicans say — actually capable.
And Eel-On Musk the world's richest man blew in
With DOGE — fired everything — then said with a grin:
"My scheduled time has ended. I'll be back." He left.
Twenty-two thousand fired. The agencies: bereft.
Linda McMahon, former WWE executive who lost two Connecticut Senate races, became Secretary of Education tasked with eliminating the department she leads. Howard Lutnick, Cantor Fitzgerald CEO, became Commerce Secretary while managing conflicts with his firm's interests. Doug Burgum, oil-state governor, became Interior Secretary and opened federal lands to drilling. Elon Musk led DOGE as a "special government employee" — a status limiting his service to 130 days — cut or fired tens of thousands of federal employees, then announced his "scheduled time" had ended in May 2025 and departed, saying he'd be "back and forth." All but three Cabinet members donated to Trump's 2024 campaign; the three who didn't: Hegseth, Ratcliffe, and Duffy.
Part Nine
The Performance Review
(The People's Edition)
The Economist/YouGov poll, doing what the Senate would not
Now in a democracy, there is a thing called the poll —
Where citizens express their views, on the whole.
The Economist and YouGov asked America to rate
The Cabinet of Peculiarities — the verdict: not great.
| Cabinet Member | Should Stay | Should Go |
|---|---|---|
| Pete Hegseth (Defense) | 29% | 40% |
| RFK Jr. (Health) | 33% | 43% |
| Pam Bondi (AG — fired) | 22% | — |
| Kristi Noem (DHS — fired) | — | 55% happy she's gone |
| Howard Lutnick (Commerce) | 18% | 33% |
| Scott Bessent (Treasury) | 23% | 29% |
The numbers spoke clearly. The people had views.
The Senate had confirmed them. The people had blues.
Research called it the worst Cabinet in American history.
Loyalty over competence: the one-question mystery.
A March 2026 Economist/YouGov poll found: 40% of Americans want Hegseth fired (29% want him to stay); 43% want RFK Jr. fired (33% want him to stay); 55% were happy Noem was fired; only 22% thought Bondi should remain before her firing. A professor at the University of Northern Iowa wrote that research ranks Trump's first and second-term Cabinets as "the worst in US history," citing appointments "based on loyalty over capability" and "poorly vetted appointees." All but three Cabinet members donated to Trump's 2024 campaign prior to their appointments.
Part Ten
Why It Matters
Who Runs Things
The career civil servants, still showing up, still trying
Now here is the thing about the Cabinet of Peculiarities:
Government is not television. The regularities
Of governing — the complexity, the expertise required —
Do not respond well to people who were just hired
For loyalty to one man and not for knowing the job.
Measles spread when the health secretary is a prob-
Lematic vaccine skeptic. Classified secrets leak
When the defense secretary texts them in a chat each week.
Citizens die when immigration is run with bravado
And no accountability. Treasury's Colorado
-based former Soros adviser defends the tariffs he condemned.
Intelligence suffers when the director is unqualified — condemned.
The Cabinet of Peculiarities is a reflection
Of a President who wants admirers, not correction.
Who wants agreement, not expertise, not truth.
Who fired three women in eight weeks. The proof
Unless someone cares — really, truly, a lot —
The Bumbloo-Wee world will keep going to rot.
— THE END —
(the Cabinet continues to serve, mostly, as of this printing)
This is a work of political satire. All events, poll figures, quotes, firings, scandals, and resignations
described are drawn from public record and published journalism through May 11, 2026.
Measles is a real disease. The Signal chat was a real breach. The brain worm was real.
The bourbon bottles were real. The $50,000 settlement was real. The dog was real.
The three women who were fired in eight weeks were real.
The author maintains no personal grudge against television weathermen as a class
— only against their appointment to run the world's largest military.